Parenting Woes

This is how self-absorbed I am: I didn't even think to worry that Aaron and I would have trouble coming to an agreement on how we want to parent Ellis. Didn't even cross my mind. Upon looking deeper at this, I realize its because I totally and completely believed that he would just follow my lead. I am, after all, a licensed social worker. People pay for my clinical opinion. I'm also a trained Love and Logic parent. And besides all that, I'm lovable, convincible me. Well, as you've no doubt guessed, that's not what's happening.

He is much more of a disciplinarian and I pretty much let Ellis be Ellis as long as she is not in danger of serious injury, burning the house down, etc. He's concerned I have no boundaries and I'm concerned that he doesn't know how to pick his battles. For instance, Ellis and him got into it last night over a napkin. Dad wasn't sharing. I had to leave the table.

So, I don't know what to do except keep negotiating and having even tempered discussions. We were both blessed with parents who love us so we can't screw this up too bad right?

I think if we can both give in a little. If he can learn to pick his battles and let her be herself more often than not and if I can hold her accountable when she is being a stinkerpotimous, then maybe we can strike a deal. I feel like Congress right now! No shutdown possible though. Gotta' keep this ship afloat.

If only I were Swedish

Is it unreasonable for me to expect that my house be spotless? I have a toddler and I'm not the cleanest person on the planet and either is Aaron, so I guess it is unreasonable. Still, I crave a Pottery Barn/Restoration Hardware/Some Amazing Minimalist House in Sweden sort of décor in my home and no matter how badly I try, I just can not actualize it. Can you tell I'm having a bout of OCD tonight?

Speaking of OCD, Portland is way too dirty for me to live in. It's dirty on purpose, I realize, but all the same, I would have to be put on large amounts of Zoloft to make that work. And I can't rock the trendy glasses and I can't bring myself to call everyone "friend." It's a nice thought, and I tried it when I ordered some eggs but it just didn't come out right. Like when I try to roll my R's, that never comes out right either. Since my soul mate Jehan is there I will visit and drink copious amounts of wine and beer and wear my new Hunter boots all the while keeping my wannabe Swedish opinions to myself.

Did you know the key to a clutter free home is clear counter space. It does actually work but where, pray tell, do I put all my shit if I can't put it on one of my counter tops? Maybe I need to embrace the chaos in my life. Glory in the mess. Pretend I'm Diane Keaton and I get cuter the more disorganized my life becomes.

That's all I have to say tonight. I'm going to take a sleeping pill, which is actually just fancy Benedryl I found out (nice one Doc) and go to sleep now. Cheers.

Thoughts on the road

It's no secret that we want out of New Mexico. I will always love Taos and I will always visit Taos, my family lives there, and I'm a Taosena no matter where you put me. The behavioral health takeover was the final straw. I am insulted, disgusted, and terrified by the state of NM and I am frankly not able, in good faith, to practice behavioral health in NM as it stands now. I don't think I can subject Ellis to NM's educational system either. The rub is, I love my job and I love my family. It seems a little crazy to give up what I have at this point. Despite this predicament, Aaron, Ellis and I set out on a journey to see if we like Boise or Portland enough to relocate in the next couple years.

So here are my thoughts: I loved Boise. I love the fact that you can buy a lot of house for $200k. I love that the schools are great and public. I love that there are 24 soccer fields that are booked day in and day out with happy, active kids. I love that the city offers what you need but isn't sprawling or overwhelming. I
love that you are surrounded by rivers and lakes, mountains and bike trails that are as well defined as regular roads. I love our friends who live there. I also unabashedly love Fred Meyer stores. Who the hell knew?! 

Now, Portland: I love that the cells of every plant are buzzing with life from the unrelenting moisture. I love that moss grows in the cracks of sidewalks. I love that everything smells slightly of mildew and cedar. I love that I don't have to pump my own gas. I love how friendly people are. I love that we have friends here. I love that we are an hour from the ocean! I do struggle a bit though with wondering if the rain will depress me. I worry that the fish are radioactive from the Fukushima meltdown. Mostly though, I sort of worry that I might not be weird enough to live here. Or maybe that's the beauty of Portland? Come as you are and we will love you. 

For now what I know to be certain is that my heart hurts thinking of leaving my family, my friends, my boss and my job. Until such time as a future path is laid out, I'm going to relish in everything I adore about New Mexico. 

Everything is going to be OK.

Tomorrow afternoon I am leaving for my first vacation in three years. That is pathetic, but nonetheless very exciting. The purpose is two-fold: Check out potential places to live since New Mexico is officially the most ass backwards state in the Union, and say hello to some very good people in some very awesome locations. I'm pretty excited.

I do apologize for not writing sooner. I've been through some shit and I'm just starting to recover. Here's the skinny: my job ended because of some very shady goings on with the State and so I've been a little traumatized and pissed and really having to dig deep to know that everything will be OK. You know, speaking of everything being OK, you want to know how the Universe always reminds me that everything will work out in the end? It's fairly simple. No matter what I'm looking for, like take for instance a perfect fitting and adorable chambray shirt, it always and without fail (and not too much delay either) shows up on the racks at my favorite second hand store. LIKE ALWAYS. If that isn't proof that the Universe is on your side, I don't what is.

In other news: I am thinking about thinking about weaning my milk addicted toddler. I really love her and I think nursing babies is where it's at but I pretty much can't stand it about 85% of the time, particularly when we are at happy hour (yes, I take Ellis to happy hour and I don't care what you think). She also calls it, "Muk" which totally pisses me off since it's commonly known as "liquid gold" and people pay big bucks for this stuff. I haven't the foggiest idea how I'm going to cut her off but since we've already established that everything will be OK, I'm not worried.

Also, Aaron is home. Which invariably means that my insistence that things be done a certain way has increased. I don't know why this happens, other than the fact that there is another adult in the house now to squabble with and maybe also because I believe that I do things better than anyone else but at the end of the day I'm just going to assume, wait for it, that everything will be OK!

In Summation:
1. NM is on my shit list.
2. God loves me and I know this because I always find the clothes I want at discounted prices.
3. "Hi, my name is Ellis and I'm addicted to muk."
4. I can't delegate.
5. Packing is the pits.

Stresssssss

This week was so stressful I feel like half of a person. I am still in denial (thank Jesus) that in the last two weeks we have lost 40% of our funding, suspended substantial parts of our business and furloughed 100+ employees. My only solace in all this is fantasizing about the inevitable downfall of the woman behind all this. Enlightened, no, but it's a step above hiring a hit man (yes, this also crossed my mind.) Considering I've been on the planet for 24 years, oh I'm sorry, 34 years, one would think I would be used to blatant injustice but it gets me every damn time. I will probably end up marching on the Capitol. This country is so adept at balancing its budget on the backs of the poorest among us and when it happens in my close proximity, well, it knocks the wind out of me. Still gasping for air.

In other news, I'm having a rather serious bout of OCD that is manifesting itself in hours spent on www.ikea.com. I'm not purchasing anything, what with the professional cluster fuck. I'm simply adding copious amounts of furniture to my shopping lists. I have come to loath all of our furniture, except our dresser, but everything else must go. Poor Aaron. I wonder if he sometimes fantasizes about his escape. Maybe that's why he's making a shed (apartment?) in the backyard.

T for toddler and total f***ing tantrum

About 15 minutes after I said that I love the toddler stage Ellis started exhibiting very obnoxious and embarrassing behaviors, which by the by, only occur in public. For example: went to our local health food store, which by the way, is chalk full of baby haters. I get more dirty looks in that place then I did in junior high. Yes, little hippies, eat your GMO free food and gluten free crackers with raw goat cheese, but it won't save you at the gates after making audible disapproving clicking sounds with your tongue at my daughter. ANYWAY, Ellis likes things to go just so whilst shopping, as do I but our agendas rarely line up and we usually end up leaving in tears (usually  hers but sometimes mine). She's little, you know, relatively speaking but she does this limp noodle/donkey kick/slap you in your effing face mom maneuver that's really unpleasant and people look at me and I swear they're thinking, "Aren't you a children's therapist?!" Most likely they're thinking, "Oh, I'm glad my kids are grown" or "maybe it's a good thing after all that I never had children," or "that lady really shouldn't leave the house."  The worst is when you run into other moms, not the cool moms who say, "That's nothing. My kid stabbed me with a fork last night." No, it's the worst when you run into the moms who like to pretend they're perfect and their spawn is therefore also perfect.They never cry or hit or donkey kick. Those moms suck and should be banished from the land. 

This is all to say that I need some toddler tactics. My problem is that I own about 700 parenting books but if the author says one thing I don't like I throw the book away. I'm really hoping I can relax my standards, lest we starve to death. 

Cheers. 

Bad blogger, bad!

It has been way too long. Thus far, I make a very bad blogger. Alas, I have been busy with my sweet, sweet lovins' and her wonderful daddy, who I have begun calling Malibu Ken as he is very tan and blonde right now. I also have a rather large job, running a counseling agency in Taos. It's not a good time to be in behavioral health. The world is effed, the money is drying up and the combination of the two makes for a lot of grumpy politicians who unfortunately run the show. I have been fantasizing again about being a stay-at-home author but I haven't written anything worth much in a very long time so I'm feeling like I have no business fantasizing about this at all. Still, I love the feeling that rushes over me when I imagine myself doing exactly what I love and being able to see Ellis more often. I love my current job very much but the politics of helping people stay well is enough to drive a person crazy. I can only handle so much irony.

There is so much on my mind right now it's hard to unwrap it all. Professionally, I am facing a lot of big questions. It's scary and I'm worried but it's good practice in trusting that the universe is a friendly place and all will be great once it shakes out. I used to be so good at going with the flow but once you throw in some student loans, a 401k, a car payment and a mortgage, the flow suddenly feels pretty clogged up. Still, my mind should be only on the startlingly impressive present moment. 

I am deep into wedding planning, which is a terribly good time. Aaron and I are totally on the same page, mostly because he only cares that the music and booze are good. This man has his priorities straight. 

I keep hearing that toddlers are a nightmare, but personally, I couldn't be happier with our sweet girl. She is so much fun. Talking tons, running, feeding the dogs, hiding the dog food from the dogs, swimming (caul baby, I shouldn't be surprised), snuggling, kissing mommy on the knee as I cook. I could go on and on. I love being with her. I even love learning how to navigate her tantrums. Learning how to emotionally coach her so she feels free to express herself and at the same time doesn't fear emotions so she can have them and then let them wash over her and be gone. It's an amazing, healing process for me to watch. It's like starting all over. Learning to love yourself through your child. It's unbelievable.

There's my update. It's a bit of a verbal masturbation really. I do apologize. I will be brilliant next time. Stay tuned. Love.