Stresssssss

This week was so stressful I feel like half of a person. I am still in denial (thank Jesus) that in the last two weeks we have lost 40% of our funding, suspended substantial parts of our business and furloughed 100+ employees. My only solace in all this is fantasizing about the inevitable downfall of the woman behind all this. Enlightened, no, but it's a step above hiring a hit man (yes, this also crossed my mind.) Considering I've been on the planet for 24 years, oh I'm sorry, 34 years, one would think I would be used to blatant injustice but it gets me every damn time. I will probably end up marching on the Capitol. This country is so adept at balancing its budget on the backs of the poorest among us and when it happens in my close proximity, well, it knocks the wind out of me. Still gasping for air.

In other news, I'm having a rather serious bout of OCD that is manifesting itself in hours spent on www.ikea.com. I'm not purchasing anything, what with the professional cluster fuck. I'm simply adding copious amounts of furniture to my shopping lists. I have come to loath all of our furniture, except our dresser, but everything else must go. Poor Aaron. I wonder if he sometimes fantasizes about his escape. Maybe that's why he's making a shed (apartment?) in the backyard.

T for toddler and total f***ing tantrum

About 15 minutes after I said that I love the toddler stage Ellis started exhibiting very obnoxious and embarrassing behaviors, which by the by, only occur in public. For example: went to our local health food store, which by the way, is chalk full of baby haters. I get more dirty looks in that place then I did in junior high. Yes, little hippies, eat your GMO free food and gluten free crackers with raw goat cheese, but it won't save you at the gates after making audible disapproving clicking sounds with your tongue at my daughter. ANYWAY, Ellis likes things to go just so whilst shopping, as do I but our agendas rarely line up and we usually end up leaving in tears (usually  hers but sometimes mine). She's little, you know, relatively speaking but she does this limp noodle/donkey kick/slap you in your effing face mom maneuver that's really unpleasant and people look at me and I swear they're thinking, "Aren't you a children's therapist?!" Most likely they're thinking, "Oh, I'm glad my kids are grown" or "maybe it's a good thing after all that I never had children," or "that lady really shouldn't leave the house."  The worst is when you run into other moms, not the cool moms who say, "That's nothing. My kid stabbed me with a fork last night." No, it's the worst when you run into the moms who like to pretend they're perfect and their spawn is therefore also perfect.They never cry or hit or donkey kick. Those moms suck and should be banished from the land. 

This is all to say that I need some toddler tactics. My problem is that I own about 700 parenting books but if the author says one thing I don't like I throw the book away. I'm really hoping I can relax my standards, lest we starve to death. 

Cheers. 

Bad blogger, bad!

It has been way too long. Thus far, I make a very bad blogger. Alas, I have been busy with my sweet, sweet lovins' and her wonderful daddy, who I have begun calling Malibu Ken as he is very tan and blonde right now. I also have a rather large job, running a counseling agency in Taos. It's not a good time to be in behavioral health. The world is effed, the money is drying up and the combination of the two makes for a lot of grumpy politicians who unfortunately run the show. I have been fantasizing again about being a stay-at-home author but I haven't written anything worth much in a very long time so I'm feeling like I have no business fantasizing about this at all. Still, I love the feeling that rushes over me when I imagine myself doing exactly what I love and being able to see Ellis more often. I love my current job very much but the politics of helping people stay well is enough to drive a person crazy. I can only handle so much irony.

There is so much on my mind right now it's hard to unwrap it all. Professionally, I am facing a lot of big questions. It's scary and I'm worried but it's good practice in trusting that the universe is a friendly place and all will be great once it shakes out. I used to be so good at going with the flow but once you throw in some student loans, a 401k, a car payment and a mortgage, the flow suddenly feels pretty clogged up. Still, my mind should be only on the startlingly impressive present moment. 

I am deep into wedding planning, which is a terribly good time. Aaron and I are totally on the same page, mostly because he only cares that the music and booze are good. This man has his priorities straight. 

I keep hearing that toddlers are a nightmare, but personally, I couldn't be happier with our sweet girl. She is so much fun. Talking tons, running, feeding the dogs, hiding the dog food from the dogs, swimming (caul baby, I shouldn't be surprised), snuggling, kissing mommy on the knee as I cook. I could go on and on. I love being with her. I even love learning how to navigate her tantrums. Learning how to emotionally coach her so she feels free to express herself and at the same time doesn't fear emotions so she can have them and then let them wash over her and be gone. It's an amazing, healing process for me to watch. It's like starting all over. Learning to love yourself through your child. It's unbelievable.

There's my update. It's a bit of a verbal masturbation really. I do apologize. I will be brilliant next time. Stay tuned. Love.

Things not to say to a working mother (this is a working list and will grow for the rest of my life)

1. "Oh, it must be so hard to leave her [Ellis] with someone else."
2. "When you spend time with her isn't it so hard to take her back to daycare on Monday?"
3. "How do you do it all?"
4. "I can't imagine being a working mom."

To which I say, "Fuck you."

Uh, thought of a few more that have come my way:

5. "She must miss you so much."
6. "Aren't you afraid you're going to miss something?"
7. "Is Aaron ok with you working?"

To which I say, "Really? Are you really that stupid?"

Callous

Today I was called, in a very gentle way, "callous." It's not the first time I've heard this. The funny thing is, and I so deeply hate to admit this, but if you know me well then you know that I am actually the opposite of callous. I can become so easily enveloped in the grief of others I try to avoid situations that may result in high emotion. I stopped practicing psychotherapy for this reason and have moved back into business, a place I am so very comfortable. My best and most reliable defense mechanism has always been my "callousness." It may not work for other people and I've seen the looks  when I make a decision that others perceive as cold and uncaring, but it helps preserve me. I don't know how else to explain it.

This all came up because I am off to a funeral next week. I don't do funerals. If there is any place where you are guaranteed to experience high emotion, it's in a room full of folks who are mourning  someone they love. So today I was processing this with my friend and colleague and somehow it came up that I haven't been to a funeral since my tennis coach's young children were killed in a car accident. I was seventeen at the time. I had a lot of capacity to understand what was happening but not enough. Who has enough capacity to understand something like that. That was 16 years ago. I have missed every funeral since, always with good reason (I tell myself), but not really, not when it comes to relationships and honoring the good people who have passed on. It's not that I don't mourn. I do. I just prefer to do it privately.

I have a family now. My partner has requested that I attend his grandmother's funeral and of course I will go and I'm so happy to get to see his family. The anxiety about the funeral is rather formidable though so it's an interesting thing to work through. I can't help but wonder if attending the funeral of a 94-year-old woman who has brought us all together to celebrate her full and long life will help shift the idea of grief and mourning for me. It's good practice. This is not for or about me. I am there to watch and support and love and dance and drink beer (and chase Ellis since her ear surgery fixed her balance so perfectly).

I didn't use spell check so don't judge me but this blog is called The anti diet

I've been on a diet since I was about 10. I once asked my mom to send me to a fat camp. She snorted, then laughed and then the concern set in. I'm happy to report that after living in my body for 33 years, and doing every possible extreme eating plan ever created, I have reached a beautiful understanding with myself. It's truly life changing and I can't help but apologize to myself for all the torture and ridicule I put myself through all these years. I don't know if it's because of Ellis; if it's because I donated my body to my beautiful daughter for nine months, nine months plus if you count all this breast feeding we've been doing. I don't know, I think maybe it is because of her and because of her I was able to see my body as something other than flesh for vanity's sake. This body grew a human! I beautiful, brilliant, shining star human and it has fed her for almost two years and I'm sorry, but that is just plain ol' magic. It's magic and so whatever bullshit I was doing to my body at any given time, that's all gone for now. My body and I have an understanding and I truly have not felt this serene with myself ever in my life.

So let me tell you about the moment this all culminated for me. I was at home, catching up on Scandal, because I have a BFF who lives for that show and basically she said we can't be friends if I don't watch it, so I watch it and while I was watching I got to thinking, "You know Dorothy, for all the diets you've been on, you've never done weight watchers and that's (according to Jennifer Hudson) the most successful diet plan out there, because (according to Jennifer Hudson) it isn't a diet." And so I hopped on my lap top and I looked up weightwatchers.com and I thought, "Hmm, $2.99 a month....I don't know..." It's true. I will spend $2.99 on a lot of things but not weight watchers. So then I thought, "If I can figure out how to install a play kitchen I can figure out the science behind weight watchers. I'll just do my own weight watchers!" So I started researching and I read a lot of articles and a lot of studies and I figured it all out, I did. I figured it out and my body said, "Oh thank FUCKING God! It only took you 30+ years!" So here it is, if you're interested:

Metabolic set point. This is where the magic happens and this is what weight watchers talks about but doesn't talk about because the average person just wants to be skinny and needs to be told how and doesn't care about why. So in order to lose weight without feeling horrible and depressed, you have to reset your metabolic set point which takes about three to six months. You can't diet for three to six months as anyone who has been on a diet will tell you. It's too long, it requires too much deprevation and we are hard wired to want to eat so when you start monkeying with hard wiring (food, sex) bad things happen. So if you can't diet then what can you do? You learn what a damn portion size looks like (you can google this. They have pictures) and you eat that 5-6 times a day. You make good, healthy choices 80-85% of the time and you get off your ass and move. That's it. That's all you do. It takes time and it requires that you change your habits but it does not require that you feel clinically depressed because you can never, ever again have another piece of pizza and cold beer. After three - six months, your body wants less, aka, your metabolic set point has been changed and you will not gain the weight back. If you have more weight to lose, you make some more little adjustments for another three to six months. The trick is to never change anything drastically enough that your mind becomes tempted to sabotage. Baby steps people. It's beautiful for anyone who lives to eat and refuses to be a lab rat any longer.

I should qualify this by saying that I'm not trying to airbrush my sweet ass and win a women's fitness competition but I do want to look good naked and zip up my skinny jeans without a whole lot of upper body strength needed.

So that's what I've been doing for the last three weeks and I feel normal and happy and I've lost 4 pounds. Boom. This is awesome.

The Pink Elephant: Psychoimmunology

The Pink Elephant: Psychoimmunology: I wonder if anyone will read this blog with a boring, seemingly made up title like, "psychoimmunology." Alas, for the three of you...