Friday, January 10, 2014

The Pink Elephant: It is good

The Pink Elephant: It is good: "Do you have any doubts about getting married?" Me: [Silence...thinking.] "Because if you have doubts its not a good idea...

It is good

"Do you have any doubts about getting married?"

Me: [Silence...thinking.]

"Because if you have doubts its not a good idea to get married."

Me: [Silence...shock.]

I thought I would get married a long time ago. When I was really young, I pegged myself as a high school sweetheart type and then when that didn't work out I figured I would meet my soul mate in college. Nope. Graduate school? No. Turns out I was meant for more than marriage.

It all makes sense now and I can see how it would have been a complete disaster for me to get married before the age of 30. There were two people I would have married in an instant. One of them nearly killed me, not exactly but it was a painful, passionate, violent, no-going-back end and the other was a younger version of my dad and I had taken way too many psychology classes to fall into that wormhole. After the former, I was changed. I was no longer willing to lose myself in a relationship. I would never let that happen to me again.

This is who I am. Take it or leave it.

When I met Aaron I didn't care about men. I still loved men, don't get me wrong, but I didn't care about them in relation to me. I felt so broken, so broken open, I couldn't/wouldn't spend energy on someone who wasn't  j u s t  r i g h t.

I don't know what it was about Aaron that felt just right to me. The ease of it. The sense that he wanted to know me but not consume me. The fact that he lived 2.5 hours away from me so our relationship was paced and scheduled, which fit nicely into my career driven life (and his too). The fact that he was a fire fighter and for whatever godforsaken reason, I "get" what it is he does and why he does it and I support him totally and without hesitation even it means he might leave me for two weeks or...forever.

Do I have doubts about getting married? Of course I do. I'm a realist and I understand human nature and I know that we are fickle and tempestuous and mean and deceitful, prideful and cruel. But we are also kind and loving and devout and patient and good. I know that love is the greatest magic in the world. Do I have doubts? Yes, but my hope and my resolve are so much greater.

So it is with faith, something I have struggled with my entire life, I walk forward with this person. Like anything that means something to you, it takes work but there's this thread, it was there when I met him, that keeps me going when I feel too tired and too stubborn. Whatever it is, it is good. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Regarding the Lump

On Wednesday evening, as I engaged in my secret single behavior, you know, the stuff you do in the bathroom with the door closed. Admittedly, Aaron has caught me a few times and he graciously says nothing, turns on his heals and closes the door. I can sometimes feel his syrupy waves of judgment crashing upon my beaches but mostly I am happy to be left alone to pluck hairs, examine clogged pores, nurse myself, though I only did that once just to see how it tasted. I digress. During Wednesday night's secret single behavior, I noticed a bump on my left breast. It looked like a spider bite and so of course I considered putting the house on the market. After conceding to the fact that I was being a bit dramatic since my skin wasn't even eating itself, I decided to drop it and trot on off to bed.

Next day the lump was harder, more red and definitely more painful. In hindsight, this should have been my first tip off that it wasn't cancer. Still, when all you see is pink ribbons on everything you buy and drive behind, a girl starts to wonder when she'll be the next. So, the thought had been born in my mind. Is this that? Am I going to you know...?

And I tell you, saliency theory is a bitch. As soon as you start to think you have the C word, guess what you hear on the radio, see on the MSN, read on Facebook. Because I am someone who thinks the universe stops what it's doing to give me "signs", advertisements for end of life care are terribly disconcerting when you have diagnosed yourself with C the night before.

I caused such a hurricane in my nervous system, I had no idea who to call. My PCP? The lactation consultant? My gynecologist? Should I just go straight to UCLA and admit myself into a clinical trial? No, no that's a bit much. Breast, that's women's parts so let's start with my gynecologist. When I called the office I was dreading the part where the receptionist asks why I'm making the appointment. "I have a lump in my breast." "I see." Really? You see? You know what, the most important part of your job is to pretend that when I say "I have lump in my breast," I really just said, "It's my birthday!" To which you say, "OK! Great, we can get you in at 3:15. See you then!" I see? What the shit.

Next came the 4-hour Internet search to pre-diagnose myself. I rarely go into doctor's office without a diagnosis in hand. I don't know why I do this since I didn't appreciate when client's did it to me but I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy and the Internet has pictures so I know what I'm talking about dammit. After several hours, I decided I had a cyst that would need to be aspirated by a surgeon, preferably the surgeon who removed my appendix and preferably without the help of my ex-boyfriend who is/was a surgical assistant and who might kill me if given the chance.

After much anticipation, turns out the lump was a bacterial infection that will go away on its own. Much ado about nothing and when it comes to my health, I love me some much ado about nothing!
He did mention that I may need to get my ovaries removed at 45 but that's 11 years away so I'm going to table that one for now.

Ellis, mom is here to stay! Thank you, thank you, thank you!