Friday, October 25, 2013


There are many tests in life, like when Aaron asks me what I think about him traveling to the Congo. Or when you get pulled over and the officer asks you, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled over?" This by the way, is perhaps my least favorite rhetorical question. Well officer, I'm assuming I was breaking the law and since I suffer from a variety of maladies, I can only guess I was either speeding, swerving or flipping off the asshole in front of me. Since I'm not drunk and I'm up on my anger management, I was most likely speeding. 

Anyway, I digress. The other kind of test in life is the kind you have to take to get letters after your name. I am currently studying for my LISW exam (I know, ironic, considering the latter paragraph). I took a practice exam and I didn't pass. Then I took another and I didn't finish because I could tell I wasn't passing. The first one I took at 10 pm. 170 questions. The second I took after 2 beers. This is my qualification for failing both.

Needless to say, my confidence and unwarranted bravado has since left me. Here I am, staring at my tall stack of study materials realizing that I will actually have to put effort into this.

As Ellis would say, "I don't yike it."

Friday, October 18, 2013

Parenting Woes

This is how self-absorbed I am: I didn't even think to worry that Aaron and I would have trouble coming to an agreement on how we want to parent Ellis. Didn't even cross my mind. Upon looking deeper at this, I realize its because I totally and completely believed that he would just follow my lead. I am, after all, a licensed social worker. People pay for my clinical opinion. I'm also a trained Love and Logic parent. And besides all that, I'm lovable, convincible me. Well, as you've no doubt guessed, that's not what's happening.

He is much more of a disciplinarian and I pretty much let Ellis be Ellis as long as she is not in danger of serious injury, burning the house down, etc. He's concerned I have no boundaries and I'm concerned that he doesn't know how to pick his battles. For instance, Ellis and him got into it last night over a napkin. Dad wasn't sharing. I had to leave the table.

So, I don't know what to do except keep negotiating and having even tempered discussions. We were both blessed with parents who love us so we can't screw this up too bad right?

I think if we can both give in a little. If he can learn to pick his battles and let her be herself more often than not and if I can hold her accountable when she is being a stinkerpotimous, then maybe we can strike a deal. I feel like Congress right now! No shutdown possible though. Gotta' keep this ship afloat.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

If only I were Swedish

Is it unreasonable for me to expect that my house be spotless? I have a toddler and I'm not the cleanest person on the planet and either is Aaron, so I guess it is unreasonable. Still, I crave a Pottery Barn/Restoration Hardware/Some Amazing Minimalist House in Sweden sort of d├ęcor in my home and no matter how badly I try, I just can not actualize it. Can you tell I'm having a bout of OCD tonight?

Speaking of OCD, Portland is way too dirty for me to live in. It's dirty on purpose, I realize, but all the same, I would have to be put on large amounts of Zoloft to make that work. And I can't rock the trendy glasses and I can't bring myself to call everyone "friend." It's a nice thought, and I tried it when I ordered some eggs but it just didn't come out right. Like when I try to roll my R's, that never comes out right either. Since my soul mate Jehan is there I will visit and drink copious amounts of wine and beer and wear my new Hunter boots all the while keeping my wannabe Swedish opinions to myself.

Did you know the key to a clutter free home is clear counter space. It does actually work but where, pray tell, do I put all my shit if I can't put it on one of my counter tops? Maybe I need to embrace the chaos in my life. Glory in the mess. Pretend I'm Diane Keaton and I get cuter the more disorganized my life becomes.

That's all I have to say tonight. I'm going to take a sleeping pill, which is actually just fancy Benedryl I found out (nice one Doc) and go to sleep now. Cheers.