Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Pink Elephant: It's all good

The Pink Elephant: It's all good: I suck at consistency. Can you tell? This is why I can hardly ever lose the last 10 pounds, hardly ever get all my credit card balances to z...

It's all good

I suck at consistency. Can you tell? This is why I can hardly ever lose the last 10 pounds, hardly ever get all my credit card balances to zero, and hardly ever bloody, gosh darn it, write my blog when I say I'm going to. When I say "I've been busy, " its not an excuse, it's an update. The world is shiny and new right now and I have only two things to blame: 1. My energy worker, my Moxie Master, my Mojo Mistress, and 2. My serious addiction to Tony Robbins, Dr. Dyer, Marianne Williamson, and anyone else who almost instantly makes me feel like I'm in the flow again and trusting God.

I never talk about this stuff because people get all freaked out. If you devote yourself to a particular sect of religion, you think I'm worshipping Harry Potter, aka, the devil, which truth be told, I do worship all things Harry Potter, but my energy work, which I call "The Work" has nothing to do with anything devil related.

If you're not religious, you think when I say, "God" I've become a born again Christian. I haven't, I just know that there is a higher power, a divine presence and sometimes I call that presence "God." It's a lot less to type than "higher power."

What I fear the most though, is that you'll think I'm a crystal waving, Goddess worshipping, skirt wearing over my jeans, hippie. That, by far, is not what The Work is.

If you were to look at a continuum where spirituality and science meet at the end, that is where The Work is. I have to admit that I have never tried to explain this before. When I get my friends and family to start this, they do so because I'm bubbling over with excitement and there are tangible things happening in my life that suggest this stuff works.

Anyway, I find myself being shy in this moment. And yet, I have done The Work for close to 10 years and I am happier, more attractive, much more lucrative, very excited about life 95% of the time, and have a firm grasp on the truth that when I let go of my disempowering stories and I tell myself the empowering ones instead, my life BLOOMS.

The Work doesn't make a difference if you are attached to being unhappy, worried, anxious, and mistrusting that everything you desire is yours. I love The Work because it's metaphysical and it makes no sense to me on some level and then it's also highly cognitive and requires vigilance to our thought processes.

When I first started this journey I wanted to make more money. I'm Scottish, what can I say? I thought that money = abundance. Every year was different but money kept coming. Sometimes I would make a big jump, other times, incremental steps. I realized though, and this is sort of silly to say because I'm no 1%, but money is such a tiny part of abundance. So when I expanded my definition of abundance, I met Aaron, my sometimes irritating but nonetheless, best friend and soul's counterpart. Then Ellis came, my biggest and most cherished wish of all. And sometimes when I look at her or talk to her about, er, panties, we talk a lot about panties, I realize that I've known her my whole life. I dreamt of her. She has been with me always and here she is, in the flesh.

Abundance is really about love. Love in the here and now, with someone. Love with God and knowing that he/she/it will do anything to help you make manifest your deepest desires if we only  allow it. Loving yourself. Knowing that you can do anything. It's all so easy and there is nothing in your way. My favorite right now, is loving the feeling of being excited about life. Sometimes I get so excited, I think I'm having a heart attack but aren't we supposed to be excited?

I'm rambling and I have my big quarterly meeting tomorrow in Santa Fe. I will be listening to Tony Robbin podcasts the entire way down and when I get there, everyone is going to think I held up Starbucks because I'm going to be seriously pumped. That said, I need some lavender essential oils on the soles of my feet ASAP. Night, night.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

On parenthood

I would have written but I was busy having a mental breakdown, which happened to have reached a crescendo this morning. I cried for two hours. I cried because it was Mother's Day and when I woke up the sink was full of dishes. I cried because sometimes I think I'm a terrible mom. Sometimes I lose my patience and I raise my voice. Sometimes I hide yogurt in the fridge so Ellis won't eat the last of it. Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason on Mother's Day and Ellis asks me if I'm ok and I smile and say, "yes, I'm just sad right now," and she looks worried for half a second.  I also cried because I don't know why I didn't buy myself a Kuerig for Mother's Day. And then I stopped crying for a bit and then started again because there are moms who can't be with their babies today for awful reasons and I'm an asshole for being sad about dishes and coffee machines (especially since I don't drink coffee but three times a year.)

So today started off a bit rough. My heart felt big and sore and for no good reason at all. Motherhood is kind of like that though. My heart and my capacity to love is not the same as it was before Ellis came into our world. I actually cry less then I did as a single gal but now when I cry, the pain is formidable. I can't help but feel thankful for the depth she's given me. I've never felt more joy in my life either.

She's my greatest teacher. I have so much to learn, so many more skills to master. Sometimes I feel I've never been so unprepared but how could I have been. I had no capacity to understand the brevity of such an undertaking. No one can prepare you for what happens when you have a child. When you hold her in your arms and you know that this is your job now. No one can prepare you for the love and the fear.