Friday, August 12, 2016


About four months ago, Aaron moved out.

There was no scandal, no fighting, no harsh words. It was a decision that we made together, lying in bed one night, holding hands and looking at each other for what felt like the first time, in a long time. It was not an impetuous decision. Not one that was made lightly or without sadness over the loss of a dream that we once both shared.

Separating was decided upon because we love each other. Because we want the other person to truly be happy, to express who they are without censorship, and actualize their potential personally, intimately, professionally, spiritually. We couldn't do this for each other. It's not that we aren't compatible. In a lot of ways we are. It seemed that for whatever reason though, the particular chemical reaction of Aa + Do created an unyielding energy. An energy that required that one give up essential parts of themselves to accommodate the relationship. Turns out we love each other too much to ask that of the other.

Like awesome beasts who are best viewed from far away, we knew that the harder we tried to get closer, the more destructive we would eventually become.

In a lot of ways, uncoupling felt like a responsibility. Ellis. Ever present in our hearts. Loving her kept us together and loving her helped inform our decision to split. What is partnership? That is a question she, like the rest of us, will contemplate when she gets older. Whether or not we want to, we model what we see, and so we want her to witness and ultimately (hopefully) emulate a divine, loving, exciting, life-enhancing partnership, not one based on habit or obligation. We want her to see her parents in all their glory. I never want Ellis to diminish herself to be in a relationship.

I think the most challenging part of our separation has been dealing with everyone else's reactions. It seems that folks are more comfortable with an angry, dramatic breakup. Amicable just doesn't make sense. If it's so great, why are you splitting up? Ultimately it is no one's business and what is most helpful is our community supporting our family, as we are still, and always will be, a family.

I think it is brave to have a family, no matter how it looks or how it changes.