Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I didn't use spell check so don't judge me but this blog is called The anti diet

I've been on a diet since I was about 10. I once asked my mom to send me to a fat camp. She snorted, then laughed and then the concern set in. I'm happy to report that after living in my body for 33 years, and doing every possible extreme eating plan ever created, I have reached a beautiful understanding with myself. It's truly life changing and I can't help but apologize to myself for all the torture and ridicule I put myself through all these years. I don't know if it's because of Ellis; if it's because I donated my body to my beautiful daughter for nine months, nine months plus if you count all this breast feeding we've been doing. I don't know, I think maybe it is because of her and because of her I was able to see my body as something other than flesh for vanity's sake. This body grew a human! I beautiful, brilliant, shining star human and it has fed her for almost two years and I'm sorry, but that is just plain ol' magic. It's magic and so whatever bullshit I was doing to my body at any given time, that's all gone for now. My body and I have an understanding and I truly have not felt this serene with myself ever in my life.

So let me tell you about the moment this all culminated for me. I was at home, catching up on Scandal, because I have a BFF who lives for that show and basically she said we can't be friends if I don't watch it, so I watch it and while I was watching I got to thinking, "You know Dorothy, for all the diets you've been on, you've never done weight watchers and that's (according to Jennifer Hudson) the most successful diet plan out there, because (according to Jennifer Hudson) it isn't a diet." And so I hopped on my lap top and I looked up and I thought, "Hmm, $2.99 a month....I don't know..." It's true. I will spend $2.99 on a lot of things but not weight watchers. So then I thought, "If I can figure out how to install a play kitchen I can figure out the science behind weight watchers. I'll just do my own weight watchers!" So I started researching and I read a lot of articles and a lot of studies and I figured it all out, I did. I figured it out and my body said, "Oh thank FUCKING God! It only took you 30+ years!" So here it is, if you're interested:

Metabolic set point. This is where the magic happens and this is what weight watchers talks about but doesn't talk about because the average person just wants to be skinny and needs to be told how and doesn't care about why. So in order to lose weight without feeling horrible and depressed, you have to reset your metabolic set point which takes about three to six months. You can't diet for three to six months as anyone who has been on a diet will tell you. It's too long, it requires too much deprevation and we are hard wired to want to eat so when you start monkeying with hard wiring (food, sex) bad things happen. So if you can't diet then what can you do? You learn what a damn portion size looks like (you can google this. They have pictures) and you eat that 5-6 times a day. You make good, healthy choices 80-85% of the time and you get off your ass and move. That's it. That's all you do. It takes time and it requires that you change your habits but it does not require that you feel clinically depressed because you can never, ever again have another piece of pizza and cold beer. After three - six months, your body wants less, aka, your metabolic set point has been changed and you will not gain the weight back. If you have more weight to lose, you make some more little adjustments for another three to six months. The trick is to never change anything drastically enough that your mind becomes tempted to sabotage. Baby steps people. It's beautiful for anyone who lives to eat and refuses to be a lab rat any longer.

I should qualify this by saying that I'm not trying to airbrush my sweet ass and win a women's fitness competition but I do want to look good naked and zip up my skinny jeans without a whole lot of upper body strength needed.

So that's what I've been doing for the last three weeks and I feel normal and happy and I've lost 4 pounds. Boom. This is awesome.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Pink Elephant: Psychoimmunology

The Pink Elephant: Psychoimmunology: I wonder if anyone will read this blog with a boring, seemingly made up title like, "psychoimmunology." Alas, for the three of you...


I wonder if anyone will read this blog with a boring, seemingly made up title like, "psychoimmunology." Alas, for the three of you that do, it's a real thing. It's pretty awesome and something we've probably known about on an intuitive level for forever but the field didn't get going until the mid 80's and now it's an actual branch of science. So, what is it? In a nutshell, it's how psychological states influence the function of the immune system. Anyway, I'm not going to get all nitty-gritty about the subject because it's almost ten, my child could wake any moment and honestly, I try to avoid talking about human biology as much as possible.

What I will say is that psychoimmunology studies have found something out, something that has changed my outlook on pretty much everything so I figured I better share this little tid bit. Before I do though, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out that stress is bad for your body right? No, we've known that for awhile now and anyone who has been texting while driving and then looks up right before they're about to hit the car in front of them knows that stress creates an avalanche of chemical reactions in your body. Heart rate goes up, breath shortens, the stress hormone cortisol is released, etc. Now if we experience stress on a chronic basis it's even more obvious that it's taking a toll on our bodies. Right? We know this so what is our knee-jerk reaction? Cut out the stress. Which, hello? Is STRESSFUL. We live in 2013, we have jobs and kids and relationships and friends and family and bills and bad hair days and 15 pounds of pregnancy weight to lose still and dogs who don't come when you call them and people who still bug you after all these years and cars that break down and nails that break when you don't have access to a nail file for like 7 more hours. So, we tell ourselves that stress is bad and we should have less of it which in turns increases our stress but guess what I learned the other day...ready: When it comes to our bodies and how we experience stress, i.e., whether it takes a toll on us or not, STRESS IS NOT THE PROBLEM. Nope. OUR PERCEPTION OF THE STRESS IS THE PROBLEM.

I don't know about you but I find this very exciting and liberating because I was doing a piss poor job of eliminating stress from my life. I can however shift my thoughts about my stress. For example: Ellis has to get tubes in her ears. Perception 1: FUUUUUUUCK! This is the worst thing EVER. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Or Perception 2: What a fantastic opportunity for my sweet girl to not feel like her inner ears are being drawn and quartered. Thank God we live in 2013 where this procedure is safe and possible. Thank God her doctor didn't walk in stinking of Gin (I don't know, it could happen.). Thank God we found this out now, she's going to rock this!

Um, yea, this is totally working for me. I hope it totally works for you. Remember, perception is everything. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Can you say, "ga-ross!"

Being sick sucks but do you know how god dang anxiety provoking it is to get sick when you have a child? Let me tell you, this is the stuff panic is made of. What if she wakes up from her nap? What if she has a restless night? How will I sooth her and get to the bathroom in time? What if, god forbid, she wants me to play with her?! Shit. What did I used to whine about when I was without child? Oh poor me, back to back Grey's Anatomy (not a good show to watch when you're sick by the way...oh god, it's colon cancer, etc.), uninterrupted, friends and suitors doting on me until I was well again. Able to take copious amounts of NyQuil without worrying that I'm poisoning my child. Seriously?! Now I tip toe to the bathroom as fast as I can and if I hear that initial cry I pray not that I will be cured, I pray she will roll over and go back to sleep. If that doesn't happen, dread, fear, powerlessness. It is not fun people and those are not immune boosting emotions let me tell you. So here I am, sick again. Don't get me started on why, that's another post. For now, can we all collectively pray she stays asleep and avoids getting what I have? Thanks friends. Cheers (clink goes my saltine).

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Pink Elephant: It's all going to be just fine

The Pink Elephant: It's all going to be just fine: We found out yesterday that Ellis is going to need to get tubes put in her ears. I know this may sound routine or not at all like a big deal...

It's all going to be just fine

We found out yesterday that Ellis is going to need to get tubes put in her ears. I know this may sound routine or not at all like a big deal but let me tell you, the idea of putting my 18 month old under general anesthesia is terrifying. To tell you the truth, the thing that scares me even more is that she can't eat or drink for 8 hours before the surgery. She's still breastfeeding. How the hell am I going to pull that off? And then my next thought is, Jesus Christ, this poor girl has so much fluid in her ears she hasn't experienced equilibrium for about a year, which explains so much of her struggles with walking. I'm excited we have some answers but I just want to fast forward to the part where the tubes fall out and everything is healthy and good.

Being a parent is difficult.

A friend of mine is on day 6 of being a new mom. We've been texting late at night, while I stare at Ellis and pray that she'll be okay and while she stares at her new little one and prays that she keeps breathing, you know, like we all did when we were new moms. It's so helpful to hear her angst, that doesn't sound nice, but what I mean is that its helpful to know that all moms struggle with the same fears and that it isn't just me or that I'm not sensing some horrible future event. We all worry. My friend Jolene said, "Nothing is routine when it comes to our beloveds." She couldn't be more correct. When Ellis was first born I thought, "What will I do when she gets a cold? How will I survive seeing her uncomfortable?" A cold. Fears of a cold used to keep me up at night and so what a wonderful thing to see the evolution of my own mothering. Soon Ellis will be put under to have a surgical procedure done on her little, tiny ears. Had I known this was coming down the pike when she was 4 weeks old, I may have had a mental breakdown. So we grow up and we get stronger and so do our babies.

That's what's going on in my world. Nothing routine at all. I need lots of love if you have any to spare.