Monday, October 29, 2012

Clarity = Divine Intervetion

I can say that I have had three profoundly spiritual experiences in my life. One, while sitting in the hot tub at the Northside Gym in Taos, NM. I know, it sounds  ridiculous but it's true. I was living in Los Angeles at the time, had wonderful friends, was dating a brilliant screenwriter, was about to move in with one of my best friends but there was something nagging at me. So I was home visiting my family, was enjoying my post-workout soak and asked myself, "what if?" What if I did what was best for me? What kinds of decisions would I make then? Just then, the tree I had been staring at became so brilliantly clear. I could see every branch, every weave of wood, every knot, and the moon made the bark shine silver. I don't know what happened in that moment but I experienced absolute clarity. I knew I needed to come home. Home to the place I had vowed NEVER to live again. I knew with 100% certainty. And so it was.

The second most profound spiritual experience in my life was when I left the man I thought I was going to be with forever. He was as far as I could see. I loved him more than I thought possible and the worst conceivable possibility was that we wouldn't be together. Ours was a dark love though. We brought out the most wounded parts of each other. So even though I couldn't imagine letting him go, when it became painfully obvious that I had to, my life that had become a skeletal version of what it was before I met him, suddenly, in just days, blossomed! Despite the pain I was in, I again had been blessed with 100% certainty that I was moving in the right direction.

Third most profound spiritual experience was Aaron's accident. Well, to be specific, it was all of you. My life had shattered and you all, collectively, put it back together. I had never been so terrified and  so loved in my life. And I knew (somewhere inside) that we would be okay.

Sunday, October 28, 2012


I have always liked my life. Well, except for 10-15. Those were hard years and I was a total idiot in my early twenties as well and I basically shouldn't be alive because I was so idiotic but I did have a lot of fun. At any rate, I've pretty much always liked my life but I have had this weird nagging for as long as I can remember. The nagging has been about wondering when my life will actually start. No matter how hard I tried to "be present" "live in the now" "carpe diem" this shit up, I have just sort of wondered what I was doing for most of my life. I liked college, A LOT and I loved graduate school. LOVED IT. I loved falling in love for the first time, even though I thought I had been in love before but then when it happened I knew that this was a first, the love that everyone had been talking about. So there were periods of my life where I wasn't bouncing around a padded room of existential crises, but by in large I have still wondered...what is it that I'm doing exactly...?

I bring this up because I don't feel that way anymore! I totally know what I'm doing and every decision I make is for a specific purpose. It's effing fantastic! I hate to say that buying a house has made me a more grounded person but it has. I spend at least several hours a day thinking about making this house our home and raising our sweet girl for a few years in this home. I think about what flowers and vegetables we will choose to plant, which fruit bearing tree we will grow with my placenta so when friends come over we can ask, "You want a placenta apple?" I wonder if I will actually be able to refurbish our ottoman or if pinterest really does make everything look easier than it is. That was certainly the case with the cinnamon bread I made last weekend, Jesus! Never making that shit again.

Maybe this career driven girl just wanted a family this whole time...maybe it was just that simple. You know, no, its not just that. I feel like I met a true partner. He gets me, we want to throttle each other sometimes, but he gets me. Whatever our chemical reaction is, its a good one, a peaceful one, one that burns strong and slow. I didn't know it was possible but I have searched my whole life for it.

Also, I'm really excited that Ellis decided to go to bed early so I can eat leftovers, have a glass of vino and watch Grey's Anatomy. Hells yes. xoxo