Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Boss Lady

I would say I am an introspective person, who, from time to time, borders on neurotic. Which is to say that on a good day, I am "looking in," to see how I can use any given experience to help me grow, evolve, become better. On a bad day, it means I obsess, worry, and take on way more than my fair share of the "introspection," leaving the other person entirely off the hook.

It doesn't help that I am witlessly drawn to narcissists and codependents, both of whom do everything in their power to make their issues about me. On a personal level, I have become much more attuned to these rabbit holes, land mines, anthrax laden envelopes, and can, mostly, give them a wide enough berth to see what is happening without taking too much of it on.

Professionally, it's a different story. There are so many conflicting narratives about what I represent on any given day, it can be hard, to say the least, not to fall prey to "feedback" that is actually an attempt to knock me down a few notches. This, by the way, does no one any good. Ever seen a parent in the supermarket, the moment he/she has lost a power struggle with their toddler. Not good when the "parent" feels powerless. Desperate times y'all.

I have always valued transparency and vulnerability above all else. I also value refusing to give up my power so those around me will feel more comfortable. This can, at times, feel like an impossible balance. Especially when so much of what I represent causes microbursts of reactions in the people I interact with on a daily basis.

As I write this, I think of some of my female mentors, Patsy, Stephie, Laurie, my mom, Susan, who all share an uncanny ability to say "Thanks, fuck off," in the same way a Southerner says, "Bless their heart," to the biggest asshole in the room. Must. Learn. To. Do. This.

I write this on the morning after receiving an email from a "trusted" colleague who's feedback was a.) not shared by anyone else in the room, b.) almost entirely meant to take me out at the knees, and c.) a blatent display of what I contend with on a weekly basis. It's exhausting y'all.

Thanks for listening.