Sweet little lies

The Official List of Lies (spoken from the mouths of women as far back as I can remember):
1. "Pregnancy is a magical time."
No it is not. If you think being dizzy, fat, bloated, mean, an utter failure at work, nauseas all the time, I mean all the time, then your idea of magic differs greatly from mine. I just watched the entire series of Harry Potter, because side note, watching TV is about all I can do, and they're doing things that seem a hell of lot more like magic than sitting around contimplating what muumuu to sport at the office tomorrow.
2. "You'll love being pregnant."
Why exactly will I enjoy being pregnant? Maybe it was your dream all your life to be a host to an alien being but I sort of liked things the way they were, you know, when I could fit into my jeans. Try as I might, I also can't seem to find the delight in feeling like I have the stomach flu 24/7 for about three months and wanting nothing to do with food, yet knowing that the more I eat, the better I'll feel. Im all about contradictions but when it involves my stomach, I don't think it's very cute.
3. "When you're pregnant you get to eat whatever you want."
Actually, no I can't eat whatever I want. I tried to eat a burger, once my favorite food and I had to pull over in rushhour traffic and throw it up. The cop that pulled up behind me thought I was drunk. Luckily he saw the gleen of crazy in my eye and decided to leave well enough alone. I would have killed him and I probably would have gotten off scott free, just sayin'. I live on a diet of sparkling soda, yogurt and bread. The most exciting food decision I make during the day is which flavor of yogurt do I mind least coming back up.