Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I didn't use spell check so don't judge me but this blog is called The anti diet

I've been on a diet since I was about 10. I once asked my mom to send me to a fat camp. She snorted, then laughed and then the concern set in. I'm happy to report that after living in my body for 33 years, and doing every possible extreme eating plan ever created, I have reached a beautiful understanding with myself. It's truly life changing and I can't help but apologize to myself for all the torture and ridicule I put myself through all these years. I don't know if it's because of Ellis; if it's because I donated my body to my beautiful daughter for nine months, nine months plus if you count all this breast feeding we've been doing. I don't know, I think maybe it is because of her and because of her I was able to see my body as something other than flesh for vanity's sake. This body grew a human! I beautiful, brilliant, shining star human and it has fed her for almost two years and I'm sorry, but that is just plain ol' magic. It's magic and so whatever bullshit I was doing to my body at any given time, that's all gone for now. My body and I have an understanding and I truly have not felt this serene with myself ever in my life.

So let me tell you about the moment this all culminated for me. I was at home, catching up on Scandal, because I have a BFF who lives for that show and basically she said we can't be friends if I don't watch it, so I watch it and while I was watching I got to thinking, "You know Dorothy, for all the diets you've been on, you've never done weight watchers and that's (according to Jennifer Hudson) the most successful diet plan out there, because (according to Jennifer Hudson) it isn't a diet." And so I hopped on my lap top and I looked up and I thought, "Hmm, $2.99 a month....I don't know..." It's true. I will spend $2.99 on a lot of things but not weight watchers. So then I thought, "If I can figure out how to install a play kitchen I can figure out the science behind weight watchers. I'll just do my own weight watchers!" So I started researching and I read a lot of articles and a lot of studies and I figured it all out, I did. I figured it out and my body said, "Oh thank FUCKING God! It only took you 30+ years!" So here it is, if you're interested:

Metabolic set point. This is where the magic happens and this is what weight watchers talks about but doesn't talk about because the average person just wants to be skinny and needs to be told how and doesn't care about why. So in order to lose weight without feeling horrible and depressed, you have to reset your metabolic set point which takes about three to six months. You can't diet for three to six months as anyone who has been on a diet will tell you. It's too long, it requires too much deprevation and we are hard wired to want to eat so when you start monkeying with hard wiring (food, sex) bad things happen. So if you can't diet then what can you do? You learn what a damn portion size looks like (you can google this. They have pictures) and you eat that 5-6 times a day. You make good, healthy choices 80-85% of the time and you get off your ass and move. That's it. That's all you do. It takes time and it requires that you change your habits but it does not require that you feel clinically depressed because you can never, ever again have another piece of pizza and cold beer. After three - six months, your body wants less, aka, your metabolic set point has been changed and you will not gain the weight back. If you have more weight to lose, you make some more little adjustments for another three to six months. The trick is to never change anything drastically enough that your mind becomes tempted to sabotage. Baby steps people. It's beautiful for anyone who lives to eat and refuses to be a lab rat any longer.

I should qualify this by saying that I'm not trying to airbrush my sweet ass and win a women's fitness competition but I do want to look good naked and zip up my skinny jeans without a whole lot of upper body strength needed.

So that's what I've been doing for the last three weeks and I feel normal and happy and I've lost 4 pounds. Boom. This is awesome.

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