Sunday, May 11, 2014

On parenthood

I would have written but I was busy having a mental breakdown, which happened to have reached a crescendo this morning. I cried for two hours. I cried because it was Mother's Day and when I woke up the sink was full of dishes. I cried because sometimes I think I'm a terrible mom. Sometimes I lose my patience and I raise my voice. Sometimes I hide yogurt in the fridge so Ellis won't eat the last of it. Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason on Mother's Day and Ellis asks me if I'm ok and I smile and say, "yes, I'm just sad right now," and she looks worried for half a second.  I also cried because I don't know why I didn't buy myself a Kuerig for Mother's Day. And then I stopped crying for a bit and then started again because there are moms who can't be with their babies today for awful reasons and I'm an asshole for being sad about dishes and coffee machines (especially since I don't drink coffee but three times a year.)

So today started off a bit rough. My heart felt big and sore and for no good reason at all. Motherhood is kind of like that though. My heart and my capacity to love is not the same as it was before Ellis came into our world. I actually cry less then I did as a single gal but now when I cry, the pain is formidable. I can't help but feel thankful for the depth she's given me. I've never felt more joy in my life either.

She's my greatest teacher. I have so much to learn, so many more skills to master. Sometimes I feel I've never been so unprepared but how could I have been. I had no capacity to understand the brevity of such an undertaking. No one can prepare you for what happens when you have a child. When you hold her in your arms and you know that this is your job now. No one can prepare you for the love and the fear.

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