Saturday, February 28, 2015

Where I'm At

Seriously you guys, I am really sucking at life right now. I'm losing my patience at work, with Ellis, with Aaron (this is not a new thing), with myself, my sweet mom, my sock drawer, my cellulite, my endless pile of post-its on my desk with little notes that have some relevance, may have some relevance someday, but maybe not, in which case they are just taking up space. I'm losing patience with the fact that my house is never clean. Like, never ever. I clean everyday but it's still not clean. I think maybe if we move out it will be clean?

I am aware of a few things that I have done/am doing that are adding to my general state of assholeishness:

1. I have an overactive nervous system. I have a million things going on at all times. I always have and when I don't, I feel agitated and lazy. The other day I told Aaron that the thing I miss most about being single and childless was staying in bed all day watching movies. Ironically, I've never actually done that. What's the best remedy for an overactive nervous system? Exercise. At least for me. It's my medicine. I'm not a psycho exerciser. As exercisers go, I'm a slacker. I do however have to do it at least every other day. Everyday is best. So, as you've probably surmised, I have not been exercising. 

2. I am lucky not to suffer from food sensitivities. I avoid certain foods because they make me feel like crap. Sugar, simple carbs, strangely, popcorn, are the three biggest offenders. When I eat them on a regular basis I become so grumpy. My body feels sluggish, bloated, I become hyper vigilant about everything I eat, and not in a healthy way. So, needless to say, I have been living on a diet of bread, Dove chocolate hearts, and wine. There's some bacon in there, a little of that $10 cheese from Cid's, and of course, green chili.

3. I have been actively and steadfastly minding other people's business. Always a recipe for disaster.

4. I am obsessed with making cushions for my breakfast bonco, refurbishing my great grandmother's hutch, ripping out the office in our bedroom so I don't stare at it thinking of all the work things I need to do while I'm supposed to be doing all the other things you do in bedrooms, redecorating the bedroom, fixing up the backyard, installing a pull-out shelf for the trash. C H I L L  Dorothy...

5. This is the hardest one to talk about. I have been a terrible parent for the last couple weeks. Ellis has entered a new phase and I feel wholly unprepared or blindsided or both and I have no time to catch up, brush up my parenting skills, deal with my lifelong struggle with, um, life. I am frantically reading my Circle of Security notes, while I eat Dove chocolate hearts, and it all seems like a really good idea but then Ellis has a mental breakdown because I won't let her wear flip-flops during the biggest storm since 1991, or this is a good one, she doesn't have a bra. I know that if I was taking care of myself, my reservoir of patience would be so much deeper.

So, these are my woes. Any advice on how to balance it all, how any of you have figured this out, I am all ears.

I know being grateful also helps so before I go, here is what I'm thankful for: My new 2015 Passion Planner, my handful of new highlighters for said 2015 Passion Planner, The Bachelor, Scandal, my new snowboarding boots that fit my feet like a DREAM, my uncanny ability to nail scrambled eggs like every. single. time., my beautiful child who is perfect, I am healthy, my family and friends are healthy, I LOVE my job. Today I met the man who saved Aaron from being in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, so I'm thankful for him and for our guardian angels.

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