Aha!

I have always liked my life. Well, except for 10-15. Those were hard years and I was a total idiot in my early twenties as well and I basically shouldn't be alive because I was so idiotic but I did have a lot of fun. At any rate, I've pretty much always liked my life but I have had this weird nagging for as long as I can remember. The nagging has been about wondering when my life will actually start. No matter how hard I tried to "be present" "live in the now" "carpe diem" this shit up, I have just sort of wondered what I was doing for most of my life. I liked college, A LOT and I loved graduate school. LOVED IT. I loved falling in love for the first time, even though I thought I had been in love before but then when it happened I knew that this was a first, the love that everyone had been talking about. So there were periods of my life where I wasn't bouncing around a padded room of existential crises, but by in large I have still wondered...what is it that I'm doing exactly...?

I bring this up because I don't feel that way anymore! I totally know what I'm doing and every decision I make is for a specific purpose. It's effing fantastic! I hate to say that buying a house has made me a more grounded person but it has. I spend at least several hours a day thinking about making this house our home and raising our sweet girl for a few years in this home. I think about what flowers and vegetables we will choose to plant, which fruit bearing tree we will grow with my placenta so when friends come over we can ask, "You want a placenta apple?" I wonder if I will actually be able to refurbish our ottoman or if pinterest really does make everything look easier than it is. That was certainly the case with the cinnamon bread I made last weekend, Jesus! Never making that shit again.

Maybe this career driven girl just wanted a family this whole time...maybe it was just that simple. You know, no, its not just that. I feel like I met a true partner. He gets me, we want to throttle each other sometimes, but he gets me. Whatever our chemical reaction is, its a good one, a peaceful one, one that burns strong and slow. I didn't know it was possible but I have searched my whole life for it.

Also, I'm really excited that Ellis decided to go to bed early so I can eat leftovers, have a glass of vino and watch Grey's Anatomy. Hells yes. xoxo