Been a long time

I went to a baby shower this weekend and the soon-to-be mom, a good friend of mine from grad school, reminded me that I have a blog. So sorry, I've been uncomfortably busy. So much so that I actually went through one bona fide emotional breakdown and two existential crises. We also bought a house and moved and I went through my annual audit at work and Ellis is officially a toddler in a month so yeah, [panting] I've been busy.

Hustle and bustle aside, I had a revelation last night. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with what feels like total and utter clarity? My most brilliant insights definitely take place between the hours of midnight and 3 am. Anyway, so last night I woke up around 1:30 am and I was like, "Oh my God, what am I doing?!" But not in a judgemental way, more in like a strike of lightening to my psyche sort of way, "Yes, you have a baby. Yes, Aaron got hit by a car. Yes, you have a really stressful job. Yes, you still have 15 pounds to lose. These are not reasons to stop living! Use it or lose it baby." It was my favorite kind of revelation. The kind where I wake up, take in the divine information and then promptly go back to sleep. I woke up feeling much more awesome than when I went to bed.

I'm really hoping my revelation was not some hormonal spike that will soon wane because I am feeling suddenly very hopeful about the fact that as much complaining as I manage to do, I have everything I have ever wanted (sans a hybrid Lexus, working on that). At any rate, I digress again, I feel like my revelation was mostly about playing the victim, which is just so easy to do. Sometimes life does feel like it's happening to us. We feel unengaged and bombarded with the will of something/someone else. It feels horrible and it's so hard to think and be positive, to be creative and to feel light and as if you are a very important part of this universe. It's a feeling of powerlessness and that just ain't how I roll. So, I am working on dropping the victim cloak and I will keep you posted on life post-revelation. So far, life is starting to feel like a miracle again.