We found out yesterday that Ellis is going to need to get tubes put in her ears. I know this may sound routine or not at all like a big deal but let me tell you, the idea of putting my 18 month old under general anesthesia is terrifying. To tell you the truth, the thing that scares me even more is that she can't eat or drink for 8 hours before the surgery. She's still breastfeeding. How the hell am I going to pull that off? And then my next thought is, Jesus Christ, this poor girl has so much fluid in her ears she hasn't experienced equilibrium for about a year, which explains so much of her struggles with walking. I'm excited we have some answers but I just want to fast forward to the part where the tubes fall out and everything is healthy and good.
Being a parent is difficult.
A friend of mine is on day 6 of being a new mom. We've been texting late at night, while I stare at Ellis and pray that she'll be okay and while she stares at her new little one and prays that she keeps breathing, you know, like we all did when we were new moms. It's so helpful to hear her angst, that doesn't sound nice, but what I mean is that its helpful to know that all moms struggle with the same fears and that it isn't just me or that I'm not sensing some horrible future event. We all worry. My friend Jolene said, "Nothing is routine when it comes to our beloveds." She couldn't be more correct. When Ellis was first born I thought, "What will I do when she gets a cold? How will I survive seeing her uncomfortable?" A cold. Fears of a cold used to keep me up at night and so what a wonderful thing to see the evolution of my own mothering. Soon Ellis will be put under to have a surgical procedure done on her little, tiny ears. Had I known this was coming down the pike when she was 4 weeks old, I may have had a mental breakdown. So we grow up and we get stronger and so do our babies.
That's what's going on in my world. Nothing routine at all. I need lots of love if you have any to spare.
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