Sunday, June 30, 2013

T for toddler and total f***ing tantrum

About 15 minutes after I said that I love the toddler stage Ellis started exhibiting very obnoxious and embarrassing behaviors, which by the by, only occur in public. For example: went to our local health food store, which by the way, is chalk full of baby haters. I get more dirty looks in that place then I did in junior high. Yes, little hippies, eat your GMO free food and gluten free crackers with raw goat cheese, but it won't save you at the gates after making audible disapproving clicking sounds with your tongue at my daughter. ANYWAY, Ellis likes things to go just so whilst shopping, as do I but our agendas rarely line up and we usually end up leaving in tears (usually  hers but sometimes mine). She's little, you know, relatively speaking but she does this limp noodle/donkey kick/slap you in your effing face mom maneuver that's really unpleasant and people look at me and I swear they're thinking, "Aren't you a children's therapist?!" Most likely they're thinking, "Oh, I'm glad my kids are grown" or "maybe it's a good thing after all that I never had children," or "that lady really shouldn't leave the house."  The worst is when you run into other moms, not the cool moms who say, "That's nothing. My kid stabbed me with a fork last night." No, it's the worst when you run into the moms who like to pretend they're perfect and their spawn is therefore also perfect.They never cry or hit or donkey kick. Those moms suck and should be banished from the land. 

This is all to say that I need some toddler tactics. My problem is that I own about 700 parenting books but if the author says one thing I don't like I throw the book away. I'm really hoping I can relax my standards, lest we starve to death. 


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