Saturday, September 8, 2012

Phone apps and other news

I just want everyone to know that I have an app on my phone called the "Offender Locator," which, as the name connotes, locates all sexual perpetrators within a 50 mile radius of wherever you might be in the United States. These are the kind of apps I have been inclined to download since becoming a mother. I also have the "Family Doctor" app, which helps me determine what life-threatening illness me or my loved ones might be dying from at any given time.

Aaron, Ellis and I are in Colorado celebrating a cousin's wedding, so naturally after tucking Ellis into bed last night, I tapped into the Offender Locator and was pleased to see that there are only 4 sexual perpetrators within a 50 mile radius of us. This only helps to confirm that I live in one of the most depraved states in the Union. Whenever I run the Offender Locator in New Mexico, I get pages and pages of offenders, some I actually know or recognize from the post office. This is highly disturbing to me but at least I know what they look like, who they're related to, where they live and what their post office box number is. This way Ellis will never, ever come into contact with them.

In other news, I successfully fought off a cold. Also since becoming a mother, colds and other annoying ailments are out of the question. I have no time to sit around and wish I was feeling better. No time to watch Legally Blonde and feel sorry for myself. No time to call my mom and convince her to brave the germ infested air in my house to bring me green chili stew. NO TIME. I have shit to do, a child to raise, money to make. This is serious business. So, I was pleased, to say the least, that I was able to fight off the cold before even the first drop of snot appeared. Who's kidding who here, mostly I'm pleased because they have good beer in Colorado and I'm well enough to imbibe.

And finally, one of Aaron's family members made a rude comment about him and I not being married and it annoyed the crap out of me. I don't see how our nuptialness is any one's business but our own and if everyone hasn't noticed, there is really no reason for a professional, educated woman to get married anymore. Whatever, Aaron and I will wed someday, someday when he learns to stop arguing with me, just kidding, and that day will be grand and well worth the wait. Bollocks to anyone who doesn't understand.

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