Thursday, October 15, 2015
This morning I bought a postcard that said, "People ruin everything." At 9 am I found it hilarious. By 3:30 pm, I felt like I had cursed myself for buying it. Today wasn't the worst day of my life, not even close, but it was on the sucky spectrum. People really did, ruin everything. I feel the need to clarify that I am not one of those morons who needs the world to act right for me to be ok. On the contrary, I'm freakishly happy even when I probably shouldn't be.
Still, managing a lot of people, in a business like ours, is not easy. Lots of vicarious trauma, displaced emotion, lots of stress, systemic oppression, caregiver fatigue, and a government who either doesn't care or doesn't know how to care about mental health and so therefore pretends it's not a public health epidemic of gargantuan proportion, effecting every single one of us everyday in someway. We also, I should mention, contend with the exact same pressure every other business experiences: meet your quotas, cut costs, hold people accountable, exceed expectations, provide superior service, do more, with less.
My mission is simple: provide the best possible behavioral health services to Native America. This is what keeps me going. This is what focuses me when I intercept an email from an employee who is addressing her colleagues in ALL CAPS with five exclamation marks at the end of each sentence!!!!! This is what keeps me going when I walk into a meeting and I am clotheslined by the tension in the room. So much so, that I forget how to train on a very simple substance abuse screen. This keeps me going when I have to fire someone, even when I know they have bills to pay.
So, needless to say, I did not want to do yoga today. I wanted to drink a beer. Obviously. I managed to force myself to do yoga and because I'm a freak, I chose a class that was primarily balance poses. Definitely my least favorite. There is nothing more annoying for a Gemini, Sagittarius rising, ADD girl, than standing in the same uncomfortable position for longer than 10 seconds. Just to be clear, it causes murderous feelings inside me.
I was annoyed throughout most of it. I sent a few texts, took a video of myself (see below), just to help pass the time. I battled with wanting to quit and surrender to my bad mood. I wanted to yell at the dogs who kept licking me when I was twisted and contorted and trying not to fall over. I kept at it. My virtual yoga teacher, brilliant lady that she is, said, at just the right time, "Pace yourself. If you go too fast, you'll get frustrated and quit." For a second I forgot that she was referring to my dancer pose, and thought for a moment she might be talking about my life. Yes, I'm making yoga metaphors. Deal with it! Hearing this made me smile, laugh a little, and exhale so audibly the dogs finally gave up and collapsed beside me. Pretty groovy, I have to say.